To my precious Anne,

Last radiation treatment tomorrow. Is there a word to express the relief?!

I’ve been thinking about tomorrow this whole week. Seemed unimaginable only a few months ago. But here we are!

My eyes are wet as I type these words. If I could single out each tear, I think you’d probably see the whole cast of characters from Inside Out…

I thought I would feel a tsunami of joy watching you run across the finish line tomorrow.  But I feel really sad.  I’ve been sitting here at my desk, sobbing, wondering “what’s wrong with me?!  I should be doing high-kicks and cartwheels!”

But it all came crashing through the walls of heart. I hate what you’ve had to go through. It makes me so, so sad Annie. You’ve endured so many losses, small and large.  You lost your hair. You lost quality time with our sweet kiddos. You lost your taste buds. Your energy. You lost opportunities to do things you love like serving at school, art, working with me (okay maybe that’s a stretch :-)). You lost your breasts. The chance to play in the snow with the kids. You lost blood. And physical strength. And the sense of well-being that we all take for granted.

But as everyone can attest, you did not lose your spirit, your spark.

Nor did you ever lose sight of your Redeemer Jesus, who has held your life in His tender care.

I wanted to run this last leg of the race with you in high spirits, overjoyed and charged to carry you piggyback across the line, your arm raised with a defiant clinched fist as you shake it at the Thief.  Maybe tomorrow that’s how I’ll feel.

Tonight, well, I’m grieving. You’ve endured tremendous losses this past year, the weight of which feels heavy on me.

This brought to mind sweet, inspired words penned in a letter by a man who suffered severe hardship throughout his life.  Here’s what the beleaguered, battered, exhausted apostle Paul wrote to his beloved church in Philippi…

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.”

Annie, despite all the losses, you’ve gained so much this year.

I’m with you to tomorrow’s finish line, and beyond…

K.C.A.!

With love,

Your husband