This morning was the first time I had ever stepped foot in an “infusion suite.” While a nurse immediately began attending to Anne to ready her for chemo, I found myself standing in the middle of the room trying to absorb the scene. Rows of comfy chairs facing each other, each with an IV station & equipment. Cheerful murals on the ceiling, lots of natural light, and friendly staff. Yet, I couldn’t shake sadness.
The look on my face is best described by sharing what Anne said to a group of nurses empathetically glancing over at me: “This is my husband Van, and it’s his first time here. I think he’s going through a little bit of shock at the moment.”
That was a few hours ago, and I’m still processing. I’ll have to circle back to that experience in a future blog post. To cope in the moment, I defaulted to my sense of humor, suggesting to one of the nurses that the infusion suite change its name “chemo lounge,” or just “the Lounge” for short. Lame, but oh well.
On a better note, Anne’s nurse practitioner Jamie is cool. She and Anne hit it off, and that made me happy. I jotted down the names of the four drugs that Anne is getting today – Perjeta, Taxol, Carboplatin, and Herceptin. I quickly tried to think of an acronym to help me remember the drugs, because, well, that’s how my brain works.
PaTCH was the first one; easy enough, provided I can actually recall the names of the drugs! CHuTzPa was my other, albeit more complicated, choice. But I like the meaning: “audacity, nerve.” It takes CHuTzPa to face the thief, K.C.A. This made Anne chuckle. Score.
Now I’m back to work while Anne sits for the next 5 or so hours and let’s the ninjas go to town. It’s hard to focus. But just like my wife, I have a mission too: care for my clients, do the next thing, and trust our Father to provide for my family just as He always has.
Anne just sent me a text and a picture from the Lounge. Verbatim…
Bubby, meet the ninjas.
I’m sitting by a window with a bird feeder attached to it and lots of birds visiting. Just a happy reminder that the Lord cares for the sparrows – how much more does he care for his daughter! Kids started this morning super excited to go to camps. That was mercy for this mommy!
I’m thankful for them.
facing the thief 
Anne,
Since getting the email from Van two weeks ago, and reading his first post, a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought of you. I’ve wanted to comment, but haven’t. I’ve wanted to call, but haven’t. I’ve wanted to text, but haven’t.
I let the “why put off til tomorrow, what you can do the day after tomorrow” mentality set in. And I’m sorry. That is not what you need, at this time in your life — or at any time in life – friends/family that don’t write or call, when they are clearly thinking for, and praying about, you. I’m sorry.
For the last two weeks, I’ve blamed my inaction on Van. And that’s even worse. In his first posting, he required that respondents “tell us how you are praying specifically.” Not being a wordsmith (or a Morehead scholar) like your husband, at the moment I read those words, I felt that I needed to go spend some time determining how I would pray for you all, “specifically.” That has turned into two weeks (sorry to throw you under the bus, Van)!! And for that, I am sorry. Even though I knew, two weeks ago, that I would pray for you, I felt there needed to be more. And there was. I just hadn’t known what to “say.” What would be the “right” thing to say, at this chilling time in your lives? I didn’t want to say the “wrong” thing. Then it hit me earlier this morning, even if I didn’t know “exactly” what to say, as long as I maintained comments straight out of Scripture, or possibly using a one off (Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling), I would be ok.
Each day that I have read that daily devotional, since Van’s first post on 5/25, I have looked for words, which Sarah has written, which could adequately describe what I wanted you to know. Each day, though, I postponed logging in to write, or picking up the phone to call, or even texting you. Ugh.
This morning, I felt that I needed to attempt to pull a snippet from some of those devotionals, over the last two weeks, so that you could know that each day when I read what Sarah was writing, I was attempting to apply her message to your life (and of course I did not read it every morning or night over the last two weeks, as I should have — for too many Emma Claire and James related reasons to list — but I did read it most days, and I was able to find some applicable words in each of those readings). Here we go. I hope some of these words resonate with you in ways that even I couldn’t imagine:
5/25 “ … Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you … Together we can handle whatever this day brings.”
5/26 “ … In My presence you can face uncertainty with perfect Peace.”
5/27 “ … SEEK MY FACE at the beginning of your day. This practice enables you to “put Me on” and “wear Me” throughout the day … the sooner you “put Me on” by communicating with Me, the better prepared you are for whatever comes your way … Ask the Holy Spirit to control your thinking; be transformed by this renewal within you …”
5/29 “I AM WITH YOU, watching over you constantly … Nothing, including the brightest blessings and the darkest trials, can separate you from Me … find Me in every situation.”
5/30 “ … Push back the demands pressing in on you; create a safe space around you, a haven in which you can rest with Me …”
5/31 “THE PEACE THAT I GIVE YOU transcends your intellect. When most of your mental energy goes into efforts to figure things out, you are unable to receive this glorious gift. I look into your mind and see thoughts spinning round and round: going nowhere, accomplishing nothing. All the while My Peace hovers over you, searching for a place to land. Be still in My Presence, inviting Me to control your thoughts. Let My Light soak into your mind and heart, until you are aglow with My very Being. This is the most effective way to receive My Peace.”
JUNE cover page – “For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
6/1 “ … Expect to find trouble in this day. At the same time, trust that My way is perfect, even in the midst of such messy imperfection.
Stay conscious of Me as you go through this day, remembering that I never leave your side. Let the Holy Spirit guide you step by step, protecting you from unnecessary trials and equipping you to get through whatever must be endured … Thus the Light of My Presence shines on you, giving you Peace and Joy that circumstances cannot touch.”
6/2 “RELAX IN MY HEALING, holy Presence. Be still, while I transform your heart and mind. Let go of cares and worries, so that you can receive My Peace. Cease striving, and know that I am God … Let go, relax, be still, and know that I am God.”
6/3 “ … When your focus is firmly on Me, My Peace displaces fears and worries. They will encircle you, seeking entrance, so you must stay alert. Let trust and thankfulness stand guard, turning back fear before it can gain a foothold.
There is no fear in My Love, which shines on your continuously…”
6/4 “ … When the path before you is dotted with difficulties, beware of measuring your strength against those challenges. That calculation is certain to riddle you with anxiety. Without Me, you wouldn’t make it past the first hurdle!
The way to walk through demanding days is to grip My hand tightly and stay in close communication with Me … Regardless of the day’s problems, I can keep you in perfect Peace as you stay close to Me.”
6/7 “I AM ALL AROUND YOU, like a cocoon of Light. My Presence with you is a promise, independent of your awareness of Me. Many things can block this awareness, but the major culprit is worry. My children tend to accept worry as an inescapable fact of life. However, worry is unbelief; it is anathema to Me.
Who is in charge of your life? If it is you, then you have good reason to worry. But if it is I, then worry is both unnecessary and counterproductive. When you start to feel anxious about something, relinquish it to Me. Back off a bit, redirecting your focus to Me. I will either take care of the problem Myself or show you how to handle it. In this world you will have problems, but you need not lose sight of Me.” Luke 12: 22-31; John 16:33
Lastly, Anne, as I read today’s (6/9) devotional, I didn’t feel that it would speak to you, like some of the above words, and that I would want to share with you, specifically, so my eyes drifted over to tomorrow’s devotional, on the next page.
It seemed to speak better.
6/10 “REST IN ME, MY CHILD. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don’t even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child!
Remembrance of Me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me all day, every day.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17; Psalm 62:5
That’s it, Anne (and Van). There is so much more that I want to add, or that I could write, in my own words (or swipe from Sarah Young, the Bible, or others), but I feel confident that I’m close to my word limit on your site (and probably your time limit for doing much more than taking it easy, today).
I’m sure there are many other friends and family that want to write or call, but might not know “what” to say or “how” to say it. Know that they are all lifting you up, in whatever ways they can, and that they love you.
And please know that Facing The Thief is a very helpful way, for many of us, to keep up with what you, as an individual, and y’all as a family, are experiencing (and I’m sure very cathartic for you and Van). Thank you for giving us some insight into your lives. I only wish that the kids and I weren’t down in MB. We’d surely get by for a hug — and another hug, and even more hugs — with you and your family.
Lastly, if your site’s analytics shows from where folks are reading your posts, it would surely show that FTT has been constantly viewed from an IP address, here in SC. Since (finally) moving from a BlackBerry to an iPhone in November, Emma Claire has regularly encouraged me to exit out of all apps running in the background, to save battery life. But to highlight how valuable your and Van’s regular posts have been, if you’d look at your analytics, you’d see one constant viewing (among many others, I’m sure), from the MB area, as Facing The Thief has remained running in the background, at all times, to help remind me — on a regular basis — to keep the prayers and thoughts flowing, even if I didn’t know, specifically, how to share them with you (and yes, Van, I do agree with the importance of your request to know our specific prayers. That was excellent.).
Know how much we love you, how much God loves you, and how much your family and friends love you, Van, Jack, Luke and Sarah.
You have been on all of our minds, even if we have yet to find the “right” words to express our love.
Stay strong, Anne, and remember that God is all around you, like a cocoon — even if you don’t always feel His presence. We Love You!!
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Dearest Cousin Greg,
I will tell you why, in God’s providence, he would have you write TODAY. Every of those truths written about by Sarah and delivered to me through you today has girded my heart, reminded me of a lavish love of our Heavenly Father, and the glory and comfort of being in Christ. Your post has delighted my heart. Thank you for battling with us in prayer and encouragement. It means the world to us!! Love to you, Emma Claire, and James!
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I’m so glad, Anne. So glad.
Honestly, the two that I thought cut through the darkness the best were the June 4 and June 7 devotionals.
But I had no clue which one would touch you, and in what way.
So, I’m really glad the Lord used Sarah’s words — obviously inspired by Him — to reach out to you.
Be well. We Love You.
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